Snapshot In Time
by OneNewQuill
Summary: Blair Waldorf puts the pen to paper...life as chronicled by the Queen B herself.


so, I've hit a bit of a writer's block with my other story...sigh...so I decided to throw this together to get the creative juices flowing. it's a glimpse into what a journal might look like as written by Blair through her young life...maybe I'll add more, or turn it into a series with the other characters...only time (and your opinions!) can tell :-)

as a note-nothing in the stories I write are meant to overlap unless I indicate beforehand so no worries if this doesn't really mesh with the other piece...this work stands alone-hopefully you can all enjoy! also, some of this is obviously creative liberty so if there's stuff from the books or show that is to the contrary to any of this, I apologize! let's just say this is how I see it :-)

ps-I know it's long, but it didn't seem right to break it into chapters

pps-as always your humble servant wants you to know-reviews are welcomed!

ppps-though it is an utter tragedy, I absolutely do not own any of the Gossip Girl franchise...if I did I could pay for med school 100 times and have money left over to have plastic surgery to look like Leighton...

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**Snapshots in Time-Blair Waldorf**

Today I am five. Mommy had a party for me. Everyone I know was there. Daddy said I was the prettiest girl there. Serena came and gave me a new headband and a doll. I love the headband-I think I'll wear it tomorrow. Nate, a boy from my class came too. He is nice for a boy. I think I'll marry him one day. He brought a friend. My mommy kept calling him Charles. He said to call him Chuck. He pulled my hair and put my cake on my chair when I wasn't looking. I sat in it and ruined my new dress. I don't think I like him.

Today I am eight. Mother held a party for me. Daddy gave me a new dress this morning that he said was perfect for his little princess. He also got me a new headband since I broke the one I loved from Serena. It is not the same. She was at my party too. She gave me pearls from Tiffany's. She told me later that she didn't want to but her mom made her since they were a nice gift for a little lady like me. I acted like I thought it was dumb too, but secretly I love them. All I want to be is a lady, like Mother and her friends. Nate came to the party. I was too shy to say anything to him. He is always so nice to me. I heard Mother and his mother make a joke about our future wedding and it made me warm inside. Thankfully, his dumb friend Chuck couldn't come. Mother forced me to invite him but his father made him go to Monaco with him for a whole glorious week. At school, he is so mean and stupid. One time, a month ago, he tried to kiss me. I wished it was Nate.

Today I am eleven. Mother arranged a party for me but she could not come since fashion week is so soon. I was happy. We don't get along well anymore. Daddy brought me home new Cartier diamond stud earnings and said I was getting more beautiful every year. I want to believe him but today I felt fat and ugly in my dress. Maybe if I looked skinnier, like all her model friends, Mother would want to be around me more. The party was perfectly planned as always but I had a bad time. Serena came and I was jealous of how pretty she was. She is getting tall and her chest is growing and I am short and fat and flat as a board. I'm so mad that I don't even remember what she gave me. Nate looked at her all night long. I wanted to cry. Chuck saw me staring at him and her and made a mean joke about blondes being a better kind of girl. I didn't know what he meant and I ran off to cry. He found me and for a second he looked like a regular person, like he was actually guilty for once. He said sorry and I could tell it was for real. He hugged me and gave me a kiss. It was the real kind of kiss, like grown-ups in the movies. I was a little mad it wasn't Nate but I couldn't help feeling happy too. I was mad at how nice it made me feel. I asked how he knew how to do that. He said he didn't know-he just felt like it was the right thing to do.

Today I am thirteen. Mother made a dress for me. I was honored to have an original dress from her collection until she told me it needed to be altered since I'd gotten too big to wear it since it was made. She made a joke about too many cookies. In my head I know she doesn't know that her words hurt me, but my heart feels like it's dying a little every time she says those things. Daddy is on a business trip this year but he called me this morning. He sent me a Yale sweatshirt as part of my gift and reminded me that in only six more years I get to go to college. He sounded like he might cry a little when he said I was growing up so fast. My party was the best so far of anyone's this year. Everyone important from school came and I got to show them exactly how a Waldorf does an uptown get-together. A lot of the girls are now asking my advice for their parties and outfits and other things. I have decided I like being popular. People want to be you and do things for you. Except Serena. And everyone knows it. I don't like being her equal…I want to be her superior. Nate came to my party and asked if I'd like to eat dinner at his parent's brownstone sometime. I am elated. Even though I felt ugly, he finally did something to notice me. Later, when people started going home, I went to the bathroom to freshen up. I looked in the mirror and was disgusted. I looked huge. I ate too much cake and chocolate. It had to come out. So I purged for the first time. It was gross…but I felt better. So I started to do it again…until Chuck caught me. He had come to say good bye. I was so embarrassed. But he just looked shocked. "_Why did you do that_" he asked. I told him I wasn't really sure and then I cried. He got that rare look when he was a real person and not his jerk self, and he just came over and held me. I think Serena or Nate would have judged me…but he didn't. I made him swear not to tell. He promised. I wasn't sure though so I made him tell me something too. What he told me was sad but something about it wasn't surprising. He told me he had sex already. I didn't know what to say. He seems like he's growing up so much faster than me. It was his au pair…his father fired her after he found out. So we knew each others secrets. And now, after this day, I know we will always be friends.

Today I am fourteen. Nate and I are dating. He helped Mother put together a lovely party for me. Daddy said I was lucky to have such a kind boyfriend at such a young age. They invited everyone who matters from school, and also Constance and St. Jude's. I found out later that some of the girls only wanted to come because Serena was coming and they wanted to meet her before we got to Constance next year. Somehow, even though we are both at the top of the social food chain, people only know of her. I was livid but I pretended not to care. A lady never shows her anger. She just gets even. I found out about a website from a senior called Gossip Girl and started a rumor about the two girls who didn't want to come to _my_ party just for me. A part of me felt bad but I squashed it. Serena looked ethereal as ever and almost every boy stared at her…except Nate. Finally he is mine. Chuck came and acted weird the whole time. Later, I found him making out with some sophomore girl that came to the party. I shouted at him to get out. He was mad and told Serena about my purging before he left to get even. She cried and pulled my into my room, begging me to stop. I know she's going to tell Mother. I almost hate Chuck now because now Serena can never look at me the same and I can't even share his secret…everyone knows what a slut he's become. At the end of the night, Nate asked me to go up on the roof with him. He finally pulled me into a kiss. It was so sweet but different than I'd remembered from the one with Chuck. He said it was his first one and asked if it was mine with a big smile. I lied and said yes. We kissed again, for much longer. I am finally feeling more complete.

Today I am sixteen. "Sweet sixteen" is a lie. Mother threw me a party out of habit but she didn't come since she was upstairs crying about a fight with Daddy. I think he's leaving her. Big surprise. This morning he took his bags to a hotel with the help of our family friend Roman. Mother wouldn't speak to either of them. I was stressed and thought long and hard about forcing myself to vomit but decided against it. I've come so far and now is no time to start again. Besides, my social dreams have been realized and I have become the Queen B of Constance…as a sophomore no less. It would never have happened if Serena wouldn't have left. Part of me has been so happy to finally have what I thought I wanted, but most of me has missed my best friend. I have no idea why she left and I need her right now. Maybe it's good she's gone for a while-maybe she needs this time to heal herself. She became a drunken whore for a while, almost a female version of Chuck. I don't really know what happened but we drifted apart near the end and now she's gone. Nate has been acting weird since she left. Lately, he's seemed obsessed with sex, like having it will make us stronger. I want both of our first times to mean something and I can't handle this pressure so I keep putting it off. I just get the feeling like he's hiding something. Nate stood by my side during the whole party to help fend off questions about my dad. Seriously, if he is guilty, he's doing a hell of a job making up for it. The party was going well until Chuck showed up, obliterated out of his mind and babbling about Nate finally getting lucky. I had no idea what he was talking about. Maybe Nate had told him they'd already slept together…or maybe Nate had told him he thought it would happen tonight. Fat chance now.

Today I am seventeen and a little bit. Nate and I finally made love for the first time today after the ball. It wasn't the same as I'd always dreamed given that it wasn't a first for either of us, but he didn't need to know that. He asked how my first time had been, his signature goofy grin plastered on his satisfied face. I could never tell him that his best friend had stolen another first from him…so I lied as I had before with the kiss. Besides, saying my first time was more than amazing wasn't exactly a lie. I love Nate so much…but Chuck…he's done something to me that I don't think I can ever recover from.

Today I am twenty and one day. Mother, Cyrus, Daddy, and Roman came to visit me at school and take me for dinner last night. My new boyfriend James joined us and after the meal, Mother pulled me aside. "This one is a keeper" she had said, visions of designing gowns for her dancing in her eyes. We finally get along as a mother and daughter should, so I just nodded, not sure how to break to her that a wedding it the last thing I want right now. I am scared to think about marriage. When I was young it was all I hoped for, with Nate none the less. Sure, we've given it a go again since high school, but it has never felt right. Now he's at another college and we only see each other at random events here and there, the occasional email or phone call punctuating long silences. Still, I'll always care for him in a certain way and I think we'll always be close, like family. I don't know how I could ever have thought I could spend my whole life with him. I can't even see myself doing that with the only man I realize I've ever truly loved…who I find myself thinking of far too often. The last time I saw him was almost a year ago, at another birthday fete of mine. Per my usual weakness, we had sex. Every time with him is better than the last and it has made it so no other man can compare. I still remember it like it was just yesterday. But I know we can't survive on passion alone and this is why I refuse to try anything more with him. Not that he'd have me anyway. A steady thing with me could never fit into his diet of school, Bass Industries, and a slew of countless women. Though I can't commit just yet to anything with James, he has stuck around, determined, I think, to break me down. After my parents left, he came back with me to my house. He made love to me as so many nights before. It was nice and predictable as always. But it wasn't Bass. He left by ten, an early morning at his internship awaiting him the next day. I curled on my couch and wallowed in my confused thoughts about James and marriage and futures. An unexpected knock at the door caused me to jump. I was not prepared to see Chuck standing on my stoop and I was even less prepared for him to pick me up and carry me to my bed. Though I had only left the plush sheets an hour earlier with James, I selfishly threw inhibition to the wind and let Chuck lavish me as only he could, a single word of protest never crossing my lips. As he slept soundly, I watched him, amazed at how such a force of a man could be so peaceful. True, I was guilty to have cheated the only normal thing I'd ever had, but I was more pleased that somehow, when I needed him most, Chuck always found me.

Today I am twenty-five. There was no birthday party for me though, because today I was too busy being getting an attitude check at someone else's big party. Today, Serena was going to marry Carter Baizen, a surprise that had floored me when I found out all those months ago that they were even dating. I was, of course, her maid-of-honor, and therefore had a front-row seat for the most surreal, desperate, and romantic gesture I'd ever seen in my life. Something should have tipped me off for what was coming but I missed it, probably too occupied over my nerves of seeing Chuck for the first time in months. At least I looked damn good in my Vera maid's gown. As I helped Serena ready herself, I saw it in her eyes. It was a look I'd seen before, more prominent with every month she came closer to her wedding day. I should have been the friend she needed and said it earlier, but like proper society, I ignored what I saw, just as I did as I helped her zip her gown and adjust her veil. But it didn't change the fact that she was settling. I could see it. She didn't love him. Maybe it was for security, maybe it was because she just couldn't get it right with her true love, or maybe it was just because two Upper East Side people like them are just "supposed" to be together…I'll never know why she ever let it go as far as it did. But she didn't love him. I know this because I know what love looks like…and I know it was all over my face today when I saw _him_. I walked down the aisle, the spray of orchids in my hand threatening to fall with every tremor. He looked spectacular…possibly as good as I'd ever seen. The Armani suit appeared to have been built solely for him. A man should never show up the groom on his wedding day, but, then again, Chuck was doing it without even trying. I caught his eye briefly, amused that he seemed as enamored with my ensemble as I was his. I was more than happy to indulge in ridiculous daydreams through the ceremony about being in the white dress with a dapper Chuck Bass at my side when I was jarred into reality by _the moment_. As if in a Hollywood production, none other than Dan Humphrey burst into the cathedral, just as Serena stepped to the alter. His face was priceless as he took in the view of Serena draped in white organza and I suddenly saw the stark contrast between him and Nate. True, Carter had been smiling. But Dan-he was _beaming_. The next events were a whirlwind, ending in Serena dashing out the door with a man other than her intended groom. I expected to find Carter crest-fallen, his golden angel stolen from him. But, to my shock, he looked relieved. I found out later that he was just as happy to see Dan as Serena had been. I was relieved as well. Dan had saved Serena from another piece of society trash. He hadn't cared how it would make him look or how inconvenient it would be for everyone involved. He just did what he had to so he could be with her. Plain, simple, blind love. As Chuck and I fell into our old routine later in the evening, an inevitable happening given how he looked today, I know I was barely present. True, I felt every furious touch, keenly aware of the un-Bass-like urgency in his movements. But my mind kept replaying the epic moment that would now define Serena's very existence. Someone loved her enough to cut the shit and put everything on the line for her. In an instant, my opinion of the man had changed. I still may not have anything in common with him, but today Brooklyn showed me exactly what true love will do, and as I lay in Chuck's arms, I couldn't help the silent tears. Chuck is an amazing lover…but if history is any indicator, it is outside of him to give me amazing love.

Today I am twenty-seven. About a month ago I started working for Mother as her new public relations director. She has never seemed so proud as she has lately. This is why today has been the worst day of my life. My only presents today were shocked realization, a frantic glance at the calendar, swiftly followed by a bout of vomiting and a positive pregnancy test. Of course, I know right away who the father is. I have not been in a relationship for months, but I did have an early birthday visit from Chuck. Somehow, since my 20th birthday, the billionaire and I have come to have a standing date around this time every year. True, we may go the rest of the twelve months without seeing one another but like clockwork, October rolls around and I can always expect a phone call, text, or email. He is currently in Japan so my visit came three weeks ago. Our tryst had been unlike any other time and in our urgent passion clearly we'd forgotten the condom and I clearly forgot just how close I was to ovulating. I know I will keep him or her. I've never fully understood how you can just "do away" with a baby, and even in this moment of pure hell, I know I could never do it. I told Mother this morning right after the test, positive she'd find out anyway. Besides, I don't need her worrying about if I'm back up to my old ugly habits again every time I run for the restroom. She took me for lunch to calm me down, but I see it in her eyes. Some of that pride is gone, replaced by disappointment and concern. I haven't told her who the father is yet…but I think she knows. Only two people in this world know about my weakness for Chuck and of them, only Mother truly knows why. As I'm sure I will find out starting in a short nine months, you can't hide anything from a mother, even if you never want to admit it to yourself.

Today I am twenty-seven and a half. I was running an errand when the baby started to kick and indicate it was time for lunch. At well over six months, he or she had started to make his or her demanding personality known. In a move I can only blame on complete idiocy, I headed to the Palace, hoping to catch a quick bite before my spa appointment with Serena. Clearly I forgot just who owned that establishment and was quickly reminded as I literally ran into Chuck with my protuberant belly. I saw him search for the ring on my finger, sure I had to be married. Even I know how ridiculous a thought it is. Blair Waldorf, society queen, an unwed mother…and not because of divorce. His mouth was clearly dry, shocked by my present state. He asked me to come sit with him in a small room off to the side and catch up, barely getting out the words. I was more than a little astonished he didn't run for the hills, a business meeting or appointment as an excuse. He told me I looked radiant. I was surprised to hear a compliment when I expected snide typical Bass remarks. It was obvious to me right them just how he'd changed in all these years. Quickly I felt comfortable, happy to find I could still carry on a conversation with him with my clothes on. His next question was obvious. "_How many months are you?_" he asked warily, evidently starting to piece the puzzle together. It didn't take long to do the math and his face fell. "_You didn't tell me_." He looked deflated, his face a crushing blow to me. I could never have expected him to be so devastated. I tried to speak, but I couldn't. I certainly couldn't bring myself to tell him why. That I never stop thinking about him and have never stopped loving him in all these years. That I live for the times I see him and wish I could make an eternity out of watching him sleep. That I didn't want to burden him with something he didn't ask for. That I couldn't begin to share a child with him without actually having him. That I couldn't bear knowing he was around only out of duty to his child. He began all the cliché promises that he'd be there and a good father, all the things I never wanted. I didn't want obligation-I wanted love. As I felt my stress rising, I felt a strange sensation grip me and before I knew it I had passed out to later find myself in an ambulance, Chuck at my side, grasping my hand as if he were my only lifeline. His eyes were unfocused and he hadn't realized I'd come to yet until I gasped softly. I wasn't in pain. It was his eyes. Because, after 22 years of knowing the man, I saw something I'd never before seen in them. He tried to hide it as soon as he noticed I was awake, but there it was. For probably the time in his life, Chuck Bass was scared. Once at the hospital, I was told I'd had some early contractions but that now everything was fine. But it wasn't-at least it wasn't the same. Sure, the little one was in no danger. However, as I looked over at Chuck, I knew we'd entered a whole new phase in our dysfunctional and fatefully intertwined futures. He was still pale as a sheet, head in his hands. As the doctor left the room, he sighed as if he'd been holding his breath for days. What he said next came out so gentle and heavy with emotion that I had to wonder if it was really Chuck. "_For a minute, I thought you were going to die…that both of you would_…" He trailed off and I realized that he was already invested after mere hours of knowing he was a father to this unknown little girl or boy. This was definitely not the Chuck Bass I once knew…and it made me love him all the more.

Today I am twenty-seven and three-fourths and Arielle is three hours old. As I sit with her, the chaos of mere hours ago a distant memory, I can't help but think how perfect she is. I know that all parents feel this way, but she is seriously perfect. She is so much me and at the same time so much him…and it's perfect.

Today I am twenty-eight and a week and Arielle is three months old. Mother, Cyrus, Daddy, and Roman threw a lovely tea today at the Palace, both as a birthday celebration for me and as a introduction for Arielle to the Upper East Side. Everyone I love was there. Serena was there with Dan, and I realized it was the first birthday I spent not jealous of her. I was just plain happy for both of us. She was glowing, and her beaming face was almost enough to distract you from her ever-growing belly. Dan was practically beside himself, proud to show off his very-pregnant wife to anyone who would listen. I was more than happy to indulge the soon-to-be-dad, glad to have finally befriended Serena's true love. Nate was also there. He gave me his warm congratulations but I saw a loneliness in his eyes. I hugged him and ensured him that he would have this one day. Ever since Jenny had passed away, he'd seemed at a loss. The two had been married so short a time and in his guilt and stubbornness, he'd refused to seek out comfort from the one woman who could save him. Thankfully, Vanessa had been unable to make it today. While I'd missed her funny stories and little songs for Arielle at the tea, I knew it was easier for Nate that she was out of town. I found myself chatting easily with long-time friends but I kept checking the clock. Finally, Chuck arrived, managing to get out of his unfortunately timed business meeting in time to help some gifts brought for Arielle. I let half of my mind concentrate on the lavishly wrapped boxes I was unwrapping while the rest of me focused in on Chuck. Pure wonder filled his eyes as he held his little girl, unaware or just unashamed of how un-Bass he looked gazing at Arielle. His eyes snapped to attention as I unwrapped a gift Lily Humphrey-Van Der Woodsen had brought. Though it went unnoticed by most, I saw the glimmer of a tear in his eyes as I pulled the well worn lamb out of the box. A small card was enclosed. _If it was good enough to lull Daddy to sleep, it should work wonders for her…I found this ages ago and kept it for the right time…Love Lily_. I clutched the toy close, overwhelmed to be holding a part of Chuck's childhood so close. Later, when we drove back to my penthouse, Chuck told me about the stuffed animal. It was something his mother had chosen specially for him before she died. He hadn't realized his father had kept it and, though he wouldn't admit it, he was clearly emotional over the fact that Lily had tucked it away after discovering it all those years ago. I invited him up, offering to have him for dinner so he could stay and tuck Arielle in. After the simple meal, I went upstairs to nurse my little girl. She quickly fell asleep and I relished the quiet moments before getting up to get Chuck. I hummed softly to her, unaware I was being watched. A movement at the door caught my eye and I saw Chuck watching with awe from the doorframe. I put a finger to my lips and waved him over, motioning for him to pick her up. I expected him to sit right back in the rocker with her once I got up. Instead, he brushed a loving kiss on her forehead and placed her in her crib. To my surprise, he quietly took my hand and led me to my master suite one room over. Without words he began to lay me down, lavishing me with kisses softer than I'd ever experienced. I tried to stop him, unsteady around this gentler version of himself. He put a finger to my lips and I stopped speaking. His eyes were wide and full of an emotion I'd barely seen in them before. As he continued to move over me, every stroke deliberate and tender, he spoke in a hushed tone. "_You have given me something I never knew I wanted…she is beautiful…you are beautiful…" _He trailed off as he covered my lips with his in the most passionate and most deep kiss I'd ever had. The night felt like it could go on forever, and I wished it had. It was unlike any other time. Tonight, Chuck Bass _made love_ to me and even though there's still an uncertain tomorrow, I feel more complete than I ever have.


End file.
